all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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