im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
