umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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