News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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