I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
