she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
