That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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