just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
