My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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