I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
