My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
