Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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