if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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