Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
