hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
