I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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