I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
