They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
