4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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