I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize