Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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