for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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