don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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