i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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