I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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