I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
