i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
