Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
