i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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