My liver just broke up with me...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
