i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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