I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
