just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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