you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize