Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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