A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
