I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
