I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
