He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
