I swear she didn't look like that last week.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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