After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
