I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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