This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
