I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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