This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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