I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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