dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
