My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
