Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize