i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Let's get the cat blown out
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
