Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
