have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
