did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
