You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
