Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
