I murdered the dance floor call the cops
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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