she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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