I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
