when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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