also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
