How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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